Giant axes, laser guns and low-recoil sniper rifles with a three second reload – whatever the setting, whatever the blade, gaming is bigger and better when the weapons involved don’t always abide by the laws of physics. Combat is flashier. Combat is faster. Who cares about mass or weight calculations when there are orcs to be slain? Still, it can be fun to stop and look back at some of the more ridiculous products of this art and game design philosophy. Fantasy worlds might have special metals or superpowers, but at the end of the day, they still deal with gravity (most of the time). So here they are: five of gaming’s weirdest, wackiest and most out-of-touch weapons for your very own scientific befuddlement.

The Keyblade, Kingdom Hearts, Weapons

1. The Keyblade from Kingdom Hearts

Ah, the Keyblade. This chunky piece of gear is the primary weapon of Kingdom Hearts protagonist Sora, an adolescent boy. Putting aside the fact that it’s highly unlikely Sora could ever even begin to lift this weapon in the first place, let’s focus in on the design. Well, first of all there’s no actual blade on the said giant key (despite the name), and the hand guard is highly impractical. It covers both sides, meaning you’d be inconveniencing yourself and your wrist more than any enemy in a duel. In real life, this giant-mace-hammer-not-a-blade would be almost useless.

Hidden Blades, Assassin’s Creed

2. The Hidden Blades in Assassin’s Creed

Pick a game, any game. There's plenty in the franchise! The hidden blades of Assassin’s Creed are staple to the series, tucked beneath the wrist and sleeve for maximum secrecy. The main problem here is the spring mechanism – how does it operate, and how does one stop it lopping off a finger by accident every five minutes? The simple answer is that you don’t. While assassination gloves and disguised blades certainly made appearances throughout true history, none can quite reach the impractically practical design of the Creed. 

Wuuthrad, Axe of Ysgramor

3. Wuuthrad, Axe of Ysgramor

Giant axe originally wielded by giant famous Nord – now swung wildly about by skinny Argonian maid. Need we say more? The world of Skyrim is vast and vivid, with weapons handy as far as the eye can see. Ysgrammor’s ancient axe is one of the best, especially when it comes to slaying elves. Why exactly it’s so good at elves in particular, and why just about anyone of any size can wield it with ease, we’ll never know. Real Viking weapons were much more down to earth, thank goodness.

Ratchet, Groovitron

4. Ratchet’s Groovitron

There’s a fire on the dance floor, and it’s Ratchet’s Groovitron. Loaded with disco balls and dad dance moves, this handy cannon can make even the fiercest of enemies chill out for a song or two. Is it mind control? Is it magic? The secrets of the Groovitron are most mysterious.

Monster Hunter World, Weapons

5. Basically All of Monster Hunter World

We’ve touched on size already, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. A customary glance over the blades and bullets of Monster Hunter, especially the latest in the franchise, would have Isaac Newton rolling in his grave. Spiky, huge, weightless and yet with enough mass to send a dinosaur skyward, these epic gear pieces are the envy of superman himself. They just don’t make sense. But who cares? It’s gaming!

Humungous swords and spears are just a part of the industry. They add flavour, colour and capture the imagination. And most importantly of all, they’re really great at dealing with the bad guys.


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General Information

Platform(s): Xbox One, PS4, PC
Publisher(s): Capcom
Developer(s): Capcom
Genres: Action role-playing game
Themes: Monster Hunting
Release Date: 2018-01-26

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